Written by: Katyayani Mishra
Being the youngest daughter or child is often seen as being spoiled, carefree, and protected. However, no one discusses the side that reveals vulnerability, struggles, personal stories, or the hardships faced. It’s hard to watch your family change as you grow up, and it’s especially tough to be compared often to your older siblings, who seem to set the standard as perfect and loved. They’re considered “ideal,” while a side of us isn’t protected; often, we’re left alone to fend for ourselves. We’re labelled as too aggressive or difficult, made into jokes at family dinners, worsened when we choose to be different, and shunned or outshone because of impulsiveness or indecisiveness. Making your mark becomes a challenge because you have to work twice as hard as your older sibling. People often assume they know us well, but sometimes all we can do is stand and smile, brushing off those feelings because we’re tired of explaining our side.
What am I to my family? I don’t know.
I carry the weight of everyone,
Becoming a pawn for everyone’s battle to protect them.
All the worst is in me, and I beg on my knees to see the best in me.
Born in an asylum, felt like being raised in the wild, where should I go to call it home?
Were these four walls ever my home?
Who am I?
Too young to understand, too mature for my age, too sensitive to feel, too indifferent to choose yourself.
Has anyone seen me for the way I am?
What should I become? Who should I look up to?
Carrying the weight,
Seeing them as humans, at their worst,
Why am I stuck with that?
How am I the black sheep?
Why do I feel that I don’t relate to them?
A shoulder to cry on, a motivator, a mood booster, but why can’t anyone hear my screams, my cries, see my pain?
Am I too much?
Am I too difficult?
Am I not worthy of love?
Or deserving to feel that love can be a feeling for me too?
Is it that easy to overlook me?
And here I am standing, fighting, surviving.
Who could ever love me, darling, but who could stay…
There are many versions of yourself, but there’s a special side that is only seen by those closest to you (if you’re lucky) or just one person, because you know it’s in their presence that you can be fully vulnerable and accepted. Not judged for who you are or what you do. It’s difficult to be sincere or open publicly because our culture doesn’t encourage it. This often leads to scrutiny, and it’s only when you’re behind closed doors that you choose to be your true self without much worry. As the saying goes, “you’ll never know exactly what happens behind closed doors.” People value trends and masks, and only a few, those you trust and love seeing you for who you truly are and what you’re like.
